Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Set 4.

- There is a Cadbury factory that I walk by on my way home from work every night. As soon as I start going across a certain bridge, the smell of warm chocolate rides the breeze up from the factory grounds and into my nose. It is a delicious smell. I would probably look forward to that part of my walk a lot more if the bridge wasn’t in a creepy, isolated industrial park. It’s hard to think about enjoying a chocolate bar while you’re also worried about getting murdered and left on the side of the train tracks.

-Sometimes at work, when I have to look up the title of a film for someone, I almost accidentally read out a porno title that is listed just above the actual movie I’m looking for. The other day someone asked for “Please Dare Me”, and I almost said “Yes, we have a copy of ‘Please Cum In Me Again’.” Luckily I caught myself mid sentence, because that would’ve taken some awkward explaining.

-The worst is when you find a weird sticky stain on the front of your pants and you just honestly have no idea where it came from at all. Is it food or just random daily goo? Who knows.

-I would be more interested in getting pregnant if I could decide what I could give birth to. I’d way rather have a litter of puppies or a bag of Snyders of Hanover Hot Wing pretzels over raising children who will eventually hate me.

-Today at work I turned to a coworker and said “Man, I don’t know why I’m so tired.” But then I remembered that I drank a coke at 3 am and decided to read about Charles Manson and was afraid of getting ritual murdered after that, so I just stayed up until dawn because, in my mind, murderers are like vampires and they can’t operate in sunlight. It’s good to see that my fears have matured over the last 23 years.

- At night there is a sound outside my window sometimes that sounds like a wet towel slapping a brick wall and I don’t even want to know what it is.

- I can’t do cocaine because a) I have no interest in it and b) I would behave like a hummingbird with Asperger’s Syndrome if I even touched it.

- A good lesson in life, and one that they should teach in school, is that you can’t always follow a miscarriage joke with a simple “C’mooooon”. Sometimes it just won’t fly, no matter how cool you play it.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. I tried to reply to Bjorn and instead I deleted his words. Ain't it always the way? Sorry I'm bad at internets, pal.

  3. Hamilton!? If not, at least you now know you can find another Cadbury-factory-beside-a-sketchy-bridge there. In case you need a 2nd one.