Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Set 4.

- There is a Cadbury factory that I walk by on my way home from work every night. As soon as I start going across a certain bridge, the smell of warm chocolate rides the breeze up from the factory grounds and into my nose. It is a delicious smell. I would probably look forward to that part of my walk a lot more if the bridge wasn’t in a creepy, isolated industrial park. It’s hard to think about enjoying a chocolate bar while you’re also worried about getting murdered and left on the side of the train tracks.

-Sometimes at work, when I have to look up the title of a film for someone, I almost accidentally read out a porno title that is listed just above the actual movie I’m looking for. The other day someone asked for “Please Dare Me”, and I almost said “Yes, we have a copy of ‘Please Cum In Me Again’.” Luckily I caught myself mid sentence, because that would’ve taken some awkward explaining.

-The worst is when you find a weird sticky stain on the front of your pants and you just honestly have no idea where it came from at all. Is it food or just random daily goo? Who knows.

-I would be more interested in getting pregnant if I could decide what I could give birth to. I’d way rather have a litter of puppies or a bag of Snyders of Hanover Hot Wing pretzels over raising children who will eventually hate me.

-Today at work I turned to a coworker and said “Man, I don’t know why I’m so tired.” But then I remembered that I drank a coke at 3 am and decided to read about Charles Manson and was afraid of getting ritual murdered after that, so I just stayed up until dawn because, in my mind, murderers are like vampires and they can’t operate in sunlight. It’s good to see that my fears have matured over the last 23 years.

- At night there is a sound outside my window sometimes that sounds like a wet towel slapping a brick wall and I don’t even want to know what it is.

- I can’t do cocaine because a) I have no interest in it and b) I would behave like a hummingbird with Asperger’s Syndrome if I even touched it.

- A good lesson in life, and one that they should teach in school, is that you can’t always follow a miscarriage joke with a simple “C’mooooon”. Sometimes it just won’t fly, no matter how cool you play it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Set 3.

-I really hate in commercials for kitty litter how the cats look all happy to be standing in piss covered sand while they shit. There’s no way they’re THAT satisfied.

-Yesterday I was trying to write dog breed specific jokes but had to stop when it devolved into “Golden Retriever? I hardly know ‘er!”

-I was trying to think of the worst way to die and I think it would have to involve getting fire ants in your pee hole. I don’t think that would kill you but you’d pray for death and it would make any other pre-existing way to die a million times worse. “She went peacefully in her sleep. Well, except that there were fire ants rammed up her pee hole for some reason.”

-I lose my appetite when I accidentally watch other people eat. It’s so gross. A wet hole opens up in your face and you shove stuff in it and move the stuff around until it is mushy and then allow it into your body so it can come out your BUTT later as horrible poo. Urgh. The only worse thing to see is an old woman eating scrambled eggs. Awful.

-It’s so much fun when candy is shaped like other, bigger food. I love those tiny candy pizzas and burgers and hot dogs you can get. You can also get candy french fries, candy fried chicken, candy doughnuts, candy ice cream cones. I’d like a company to take it one step further and create gourmet tiny candy meals. Grilled duck breast in a balsamic reduction with a morel and parsnip risotto, but candy! Or maybe make candy versions of things you shouldn’t eat. Candy skin. Candy dirt. Candy poison. Candy medical waste. My dream is that we’ll one day have the technology to make candy versions of our own faces, so that I can finally eat my face.

-They should start producing Coles Notes of those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books. I’d like a way to tell exactly what adventures I can choose.

-My cheap duvet cover that I bought at Ikea has no buttons at the open end, the stuffing end, and I’m worried I’m going to wake up inside it and also being asphyxiated. “She died doing what she loved best: Thrashing around in her sleep.”

-Sometimes I wonder if a garbage man has ever picked up a bag of garbage, only to have hundreds of used condoms fall out. It doesn’t seem likely but it doesn’t seem totally unreasonable and it does seem hilarious.

-I think a good joke would be to put bacon bits in a jar of brown sugar at a coffee shop.