Saturday, November 6, 2010

Set 3.

-I really hate in commercials for kitty litter how the cats look all happy to be standing in piss covered sand while they shit. There’s no way they’re THAT satisfied.

-Yesterday I was trying to write dog breed specific jokes but had to stop when it devolved into “Golden Retriever? I hardly know ‘er!”

-I was trying to think of the worst way to die and I think it would have to involve getting fire ants in your pee hole. I don’t think that would kill you but you’d pray for death and it would make any other pre-existing way to die a million times worse. “She went peacefully in her sleep. Well, except that there were fire ants rammed up her pee hole for some reason.”

-I lose my appetite when I accidentally watch other people eat. It’s so gross. A wet hole opens up in your face and you shove stuff in it and move the stuff around until it is mushy and then allow it into your body so it can come out your BUTT later as horrible poo. Urgh. The only worse thing to see is an old woman eating scrambled eggs. Awful.

-It’s so much fun when candy is shaped like other, bigger food. I love those tiny candy pizzas and burgers and hot dogs you can get. You can also get candy french fries, candy fried chicken, candy doughnuts, candy ice cream cones. I’d like a company to take it one step further and create gourmet tiny candy meals. Grilled duck breast in a balsamic reduction with a morel and parsnip risotto, but candy! Or maybe make candy versions of things you shouldn’t eat. Candy skin. Candy dirt. Candy poison. Candy medical waste. My dream is that we’ll one day have the technology to make candy versions of our own faces, so that I can finally eat my face.

-They should start producing Coles Notes of those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books. I’d like a way to tell exactly what adventures I can choose.

-My cheap duvet cover that I bought at Ikea has no buttons at the open end, the stuffing end, and I’m worried I’m going to wake up inside it and also being asphyxiated. “She died doing what she loved best: Thrashing around in her sleep.”

-Sometimes I wonder if a garbage man has ever picked up a bag of garbage, only to have hundreds of used condoms fall out. It doesn’t seem likely but it doesn’t seem totally unreasonable and it does seem hilarious.

-I think a good joke would be to put bacon bits in a jar of brown sugar at a coffee shop.


  1. "She died what she loved doing best. Thrashing around in her sleep with fire ants rammed up her pee hole."

  2. Wow this is such a great Saturday morning read.

  3. Most. hilarious. blog. ever.