Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Set 2.

- I was waiting to catch the subway and I saw an ad that said “Being positive keeps you healthy” and I thought “Not if you’re HIV positive.”

-I don’t care how smart parrots are supposed to be. I can’t respect anything that thinks nighttime and having a blanket draped over you are the same thing.

-I really hate hearing the phrase “What’s the worst that could happen?” It makes me think of all the awful things that could happen. Taking your dad’s speedboat out for a midnight joy ride? Your girlfriend’s face could get caught in the motor and then you’d have to spend the rest of your life feeding her apple sauce from a tiny spoon and trying not to stare at her. Your un-ending guilt would keep you in that personal hell, where your own misery is only topped by the misery of the mangled shell of the woman you once loved. That is the worst that could happen.

-My roommate’s cat obsessively licks the hair off its belly. Sometimes I can hear her making supping sounds in the hall. At times it is disgusting, and at times I envy it. I can’t even come close to licking my own belly. It hurts my neck to even look down too fast.

-I hate the idea of those Camelback water sack things. I hate them because it’s gross seeing grown men in sandals and Oakley’s sucking on a tube coming out of their running shirt. I also hate them because it’s only a matter of time until I buy one and fill it with pudding and get really fat, on the go.

-We have a big box of Milkbones at my work that we give to doggies that come in with their owners. Yesterday, a man was staring at the box for about 2 minutes and then asked “What are those for?” I said “They’re dog treats……..for dogs” but what I really wanted to say was “You are so dumb.”

-I really want to drink whatever’s in the tiny barrels around the necks of St. Bernard dogs in cartoons about the Alps. I bet it is fucking awesome.

-I would not be a good serial killer. I am too small to move bodies or overpower people. I am clumsy and would leave clues everywhere. I would freak out and dispose of people in really sloppy ways, like just leaving their dead body in their own driveway and then having a panic attack and writing a little “sorrysorrysorrysorry” note and pinning it to the body. The second someone asked me what I’d done the night before I would say “Serial murdered someone.” I would keep trophies of my kills all over my house and if the police ever came over to question me, I’d just let them in and say “Sure, what have I got to hide hahahahahaha” and laugh awkwardly and shift my eyes back and forth rapidly. Oh, and I also couldn’t do it on a moral level.

-I am getting to the point where I am beginning to feel like maybe I’m an adult. And then as soon as I think that I realize I am standing in my kitchen licking the butter from the inside of a microwave popcorn bag.


  1. The second someone asked me what I’d done the night before I would say “Serial murdered someone.” HAHAHAHA!

  2. You could pin something to a dead body?