Set 1.

-I like taking shits at work for a number of reasons. One reason is that I am getting paid to shit. It is nice to make money to do something that is easy and necessary, and that I spend a lot of time doing for free. Another reason is because I get to stop working for anywhere from 3 – 6 minutes. I can spend this time doing anything I like, so long as I can also take a dump at the same time. I can read a magazine. I can reply to text messages I’ve been neglecting. I can sit in thought. These are all things I would rather do than work. Another reason I like it, and this is some weird psychological thing, is that I find it satisfying to crap food back onto my job that said job has afforded me. It’s like “Yeah, fuck you, the man.”

-All of Chinatown smells like the inside of a drawer.

-I don’t want to own plants. I own one plant. It plagues me. I have no idea how to take care of it. I might be killing it. I water it when the soil feels dry. I hope that’s right. There are instructions on how to care for it on the little plastic pot it sleeps in, but I already set it in a larger planter and I’m afraid if I pick it up and take it out to re-read the instructions I will drop it and then it’ll be really fucked. A cat can let you know when you’re starving it. A dog gets sad if you leave it in the sun too long. They make sounds and sad eyes that let you know you are a bad owner. A plant says nothing. They don’t even have the will to give up a clue that can save them. By the time their stupid leaves are falling off, it’s too late, and I’m just annoyed about something else to do with my plant (sweeping up dead leaves.)

-Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier if I was satisfied with boring shit, like Boston Pizza and Michael Bay movies. But then I realize that I would have to worry about accidentally marrying a murderer, because that only seems to happen to boring people.

-I wonder if I have a weird thing with my eyes. I am good at picking up on when someone has a walleye or a lazy eye or a glass eye, and I wonder if it’s because my eyes are weird. Maybe when I look in the mirror they can focus normally. Maybe when I look at a camera they can focus normally. But what if the rest of the time they are goofy as fuck? These are the sorts of problem I worry about.

-I work at a video store. We rent porn films to people. I recently came across two similar titles. One is called ‘100% Blow Jobs’ and one is called ‘100% All-Star Blow Jobs.” I want to know who would be stupid enough to rent the first one, when the second one exists? We should just get rid of ‘100% Blow Jobs’ altogether. I feel bad for it.