Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Set 5.

- I recently discussed how awful it would’ve been to be Geena Davis on the set of A League of Their Own. She would’ve had to hear Rosie O’Donnell, Penny Marshall, and Madonna talk to each other in their horrible voices all day, while Tom Hanks does that annoying half-yell of his in the background. A friend whom I was discussing this with brought up the point “Yeah, but at least she got to go home and have sex with Jeff Goldblum after.” Touche, Goldblum.

- People say things like “There’s nothing funny about kids starving in Africa!” or “There’s nothing funny about all the pandas not-fucking themselves into extinction!” but this isn’t true because when I hear jokes about those things, I laugh. People should take out the “There’s nothing funny about” and just go right to “killer mudslides!” and then I’ll make up my own mind about how funny it is.

- The best part about winter is that it makes it really easy to tell if someone’s a crackhead from a distance. If it’s minus 20 and you’re walking around with your jacket open, you’re either a crackhead or a showoff, and I don’t want to be friends with either.

- I can’t think about my hair or fingernails for too long because I start to get freaked out. They contain none of my actual DNA. They are random bits of protein growing out of me. They are like very uninteresting alien creatures, using my body as a vehicle for them to collect grease and hot sauce. It all seems like the plot of a lesser John Wyndham novel. I’m going to stop talking about it.

- It drives me insane when people refer to the shark in Jaws as “Jaws”, as if that’s its fucking name or something. ‘And when Jaws comes out of the water and rolls that kid over! Oh man!’ Give me a break. Sharks don’t name their pups, and if they did, we wouldn’t be able understand what those names are. And I also highly doubt they would give them a name like “Jaws.” They’d probably just go with the shark equivalent of “Cody.” They wouldn’t do their own shark-child the injustice of giving them a name that makes them sound like a man-eater right off the bat. That’s like if someone named their kid Crystal Diamond and then was surprised when she grew up to be an exotic dancer. Sharks are so misunderstood. They're a lot like us. We have nothing to fear but our own ignorance and going swimming on our rags.

- Sometimes, at work, when people are putting a movie on hold over the phone, they spell their names out for me. Sometimes it’s a name where a spelling is warranted, like Kryzjstof or Andrijana. Sometimes it’s a name like fucking Ted. If you have a name like Ted or Mary or Janet or Phil, never ever ever spell it out for someone. It makes you seem like a retarded asshole.

-What I want to know is how cats can eat the same boring food everyday and yet somehow manage to take the grossest poops in the world. What is wrong with these cats?

- Lately, I’m all about pets you can wear out in public around your neck. Ferret? Rad. Snake? Right on! I’d like to take it further and branch out into more exotic long pets. I’m saving up to buy some sort of neck shaped plastic bag I can store a moray eel in. Fuckin’ A.


  1. LAUGH OUT LOUD. And Neil was sleeping so not great. xo

  2. i wear my coat open. am i a showoff? i'm pretty sure i'm not a crackhead


  3. Pizza Equipment

    I need Pizza Equipment for Apple Pizza. any one can help me?